On rare occasion, I am told or am in a spot to overhear comments describing me in words I don't understand. Sometimes words that even 'urban dictionary' didn't know. Some other times, it's a word in every dictionary, and I still have trouble getting it.
Serious. "You're so serious!" Or, overheard while dancing, "he's so serious!"
Both people who have said this to me personally I happen to respect. They seem well-intentioned when they say it. And at least in hindsight I'm grateful that they've said it. It prompts questions. And as painful as it is for me to question my personality, experience tells me that doing so can give skills for living with it.
Both people who have told me also seem to have meant at least two different things. The first person seemed to mean, in their usual hyperbole, "lacking a sense of humour," which I understand to mean "lacking their sense of humour." It was interesting later on, feeling solidarity with Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory. It was with that show that I could see what I'll call 'sarcasm-shortsightedness' as a not overly rare personality trait.
That first time I was told, some years ago now, I was annoyed. The second time, last year while discussing government surveillance, it seemed so empty a remark, like saying grass is green. Most recently, the third time, has charmed me into writing about it.
Mostly because it was put so considerately: "you don't always have to be serious." It's hard to disagree with such a measured remark.
It's also hard because I have trouble picturing what 'not being serious' is like. To question such an apparently simple thing feels reminiscent of a story about the German mathematician Theodor Kaluza, who - to learn to swim - supposedly read a treatise on swimming, then dove into the ocean.
Except, in questioning this, there is no book. Near as I can tell, they meant to say that I could, sometimes, be uninhibited. To suspend concern for consequence. They were even generous enough to imagine I could do that without alcohol.
There are only three possibilities here, they see a strength in me that I don't, they think I could find such strength, or they are cruelly taunting my fear. I can't believe the latter.
I see strength differently. To describe me as serious overlooks two separate inhibitions: I avoid situations in which I don't know how to act - where possible - and when they are not possible or desirable to avoid, I inhibit any hope for anything more than a distraction.
Only this year did I realise that my alienation only serves to alienate others, and that to stop the mood of disappointment betraying me I have to abandon such hope. This is the sole brand of "fake it 'till you make it" I know how to pull off. By not being fake at all. If that earns the title of seriousness, I'll just live with that.
A little pre-writing research revealed how people usually feel frustrated or annoyed when their seriousness is pointed out to them. It doesn't feel like something under our control. I've heard of studies that say introverts can act extroverted occasionally - it's just not an act they can maintain for long. Could I act less serious more often? It sounds possible.
I have friends who I know appreciate me for who I am. When others say "be yourself," it is hard to call them selfish. It is very easy, when others call for you to act.
All they have to do is talk. I would have to learn the act (how?) and endure failure. Is it selfish not to try? Is there more enduring pain if I don't try?
That's a thought that haunts me.